My heart aches to connect with people today…..to be able to talk to someone…
I hate being so alone.
Nobody to talk to….nobody to understand….just nobody.
I want to connect with people…to others.
I wish that I didn’t have to hide the way I am. I don’t have to but I feel that I do…I feel if I want to keep the “friends” (or the people that I call friends) that I have, I do.
I wish it didn’t have to be such a big secret. So many people don’t believe, or have their minds made up that people like us….people like me…. don’t exist….but we do. They have negative misconceptions of it…and think once we get saved that we are healed….it don’t work like that people!!!
I wish they could see the daily battles that go on inside of me (and I mean literally) between Yeshua and the demons…between the children and the demons…between the demons amongst themselves….it is never ending. And then to try and carry on as normal as possible….the only safe thing to do right now for us is to hide. I don’t know which is worse, to be thought of as crazy and weird, or as having some mental condition, and childish. (when someone else is out possibly?)
Sometimes I wish that movie Sybil was never made. I like Sally Field, she is a great actress and she did a good job but come on…if only it was that easy!!! Why do movies portray multiples as psycho, and messed up and all kinds of weird and bizarre with obvious acts of switching? You know what? I switch right in front of people all the time and a lot of the time they have no idea I just did unless it is one of the little ones out. My voice rarely changes, I hardly ever just start crying out of nowhere (I do that in the privacy of my own room thank you), and I am very successful as a professional smiler….you know put on that happy face so no-one will know! I am literally in a million pieces inside and yet all anyone sees is a well put together singleton….. Smiling of course. :)
Everyone acts as if Sybil is an evil person and thus all “multiples are evil”. Score another one for stereotypes and misconceptions. Maybe I should make a t-shirt that says, “I am NOT like Sybil!” or “Yes I’m multiple but no I’m NOT a psychotic serial killer.” My shirt would just say “Yeah I’m multiple and I just do my job and do the best I can to get through every day, and I’m nice to people, and I help others, and I clean my house, and I pay my bills on time, and I do everything that you do, just in a more complicated manner.” (But that wouldn’t sell movie tickets now, would it?)
Let me try to explain what it is like to be MPD…it sucks really.
*People think you’re lying cause they don’t believe MPD/SRA is real.
*We get to see the demons face to face because we live in the spirit world for we ARE spirit. We are our spirit bodies. Each one of the insiders (what we call them) is a spiritual being. When we come out here in the body it takes a bit to see with the body’s eyes…we have to concentrate to be able to see in the flesh if you would. It is not pleasant.
Being MPD is quite painful. Spiritually, physically and mentally.
We have lost friends, support, and we have had to and still have to take responsibility for things that we didn’t even know we did. We have to fix mistakes we don’t remember making. We forget all the time. Oh someone remembers…just not the one out who needs to know the information at the time.
And time…time is never on our side. We are always losing time. We lose time because others come out. And when someone else comes out, you go away. Say its 2pm and someone else comes out and you don’t come back out til 430…in a system (that is the inside) you are left wondering what the hec did I do for the last 2 and a half hours!?!?
It is a pain in the butt sometimes and flustering as all get out and very frightening. It’s about flashbacks and pain and loneliness and constant fear.
And having people…tons of people…..people that you might not even like take up residence inside your body.
Just imagine taking hundreds upon hundreds (and in some cases, many, many more) of people from different walks of life, with completely different personalities and histories and likes and dislikes, and putting them all in a verysmallroomforaverylongtimetogether and see what develops. Don’t forget to add in various disfigurements for a few of them and some animal parts and let’s not forget that everyone is chock-full of demons, and a couple of them look just like the ones that hurt you and add Yeshua in there too, who you’re terrified of and throw in every emotion that you can think of and multiply it times a gazillion and remember that everyone is going through their own thing at their own time and you are feeling it all and tell them to share this space for an endlessamountoftime, add one deliverance minister standing on the outside of the room who can see inside through a very small peephole, shake the room up, stir and enjoy.
That is just what one second would be like. Try living it for a day. Oh wait….and remember to smile.
And then ya got the stupid rules we have to live by but then we don’t have to live by….so half of us (the ones in the light) know that we don’t have to live by the rules any more….and then we have the ones that are still in the dark that desperately try to abide by them and when they are not followed they are in the utmost panic attack you have ever seen! So the inside is always in chaos trying to follow a set of rules laid down by the evil ones.
We all know the golden rules (they are removed for the healing of real MPD’s)
Yeah we all know them…… I wish I didn’t have to keep things a secret.
I wish I could just be myself.
Unfortunately, to keep being friends with some people… it requires a lot of compromise (all on our part of course…but we will never say anything.)
Just thoughts…..
Legna
Well I had my Dr. check up today from the surgery we had on the 25th of Feb and well I cried all the way home! I am still crying as I write this but it’s ok. It’s all good. They took the stitches out today! Yeah! The bad part is IT STILL HURTS LIKE ALL GET OUT! He had to poke here and there and that is what made it hurt and that is why I am crying. Boy does it hurt. I am so flustered. We should be running laps already…3 weeks after surgery and we can barley walk. It is like we are still before surgery. Still walking on the ball of our foot but it’s all good. Nothing that the doc did. The suurgery went great he said. Helaing up good.
He thinks we have something called CRPS & RSDS. All that is is: Complex regional pain syndrome (CRPS), also called Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy Syndrome (RSDS), is a chronic pain condition in which high levels of nerve impulses are sent to an affected site. Experts believe that CRPS occurs as a result of dysfunction in the central or peripheral nervous systems. For which there is no cure. Great. Just our luck. The doc said that he thinks it could have started before the surgery. Sometimes this disease starts after a surgery but the way we have been going so long with the pain he doubts it started then.
We know our God is a mighty God, and we are not going to blame this on Him (tho the thought hasn’t crossed our minds on why He allowed it) but we will cling to Him for our helaing and move on. With all the readin on this that we have done, this is something we will have to live with for the rest of our lives….guess that’s alot of clinging to Him huh? Maybe that’s what He wants? He sure has a funny way of saying it huh?
Oh well, that is how our cookie crumbles. For now we are to stay off our foot and take our pain meds til we go see this “new doc” to learn to manage the pain. Yeah…Not.
Oh how we wish Devine and them were here. We sure miss them and need them.
We love you Lord.
P.O. Box 1782
Lancaster, PA 17608
contactus@constitutionparty.org
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Attention!
Constitution Party Supporters:
Our Moment Of Truth
Has Arrived…What Will
You do?
Dear Fellow Constitutionalist,
In the 18 years since we began our political journey at the Constitution Party’s first National Convention in New Orleans, we have come far! What was only a dream in 1992– a brand new national political party that would offer average Americans principled, constitutionalist candidates for whom to vote, candidates who would provide honest, representation, free from the strings of special interests – is now an emerging reality.
There is much good news! In Pennsylvania, two Constitution Party candidates were elected to local partisan office in 2009. In 2010 many Constitution Party state affiliates will be offering first class candidates for office. The dynamic Chelene Nightingale of California, the incumbent mayor of Tull, Arkansas Frank Gilbert, and the charismatic Randy Stufflebeam in Illinois are just three of our terrific and dedicated candidates for Governor. Likewise, outstanding Constitution Party candidates like Rob Taylor in Wisconsin, Eric Deaton in Ohio, Bernie De Castro in Florida and Jan Johnson in New York are among the many who are stepping forward to offer a real choice for U.S. Senate.
In states such as Nevada, Utah, Michigan and Missouri, the Constitution Party will be running large slates of candidates; most of our states will be offering more Constitution Party candidates than ever before; and some states, like Delaware, Maryland, Iowa and Alabama (to name just a few) will be offering CP Congressional candidates for the very first time.
More Americans are fed up with the two big-box parties than ever before and are looking at what the Constitution Party has to offer.
The prospects for the Constitution Party have never been greater than they are today! After years of dedicated effort and struggle, we are very, very close to our goal of providing America with a viable Constitutionalist political alternative. Yet, as we approach that goal and the fulfillment of our dreams, there is Danger… A Very Grave Danger, that threatens to destroy all that we have worked for and turn these dreams to ashes!
In fact, the Constitution Party’s current situation could well be described by quoting Charles Dickens famous line: “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.” I have described above why recent months have been the “best of times” for the Constitution Party. Unfortunately, we now face a financial crisis so severe that it threatens the very ability of the Constitution Party to continue operations, and that would, indeed, constitute the “worst of times” not only for the party, but for our nation.
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You will notice that I said “we.” We… all of us… are in this together and this is our “moment of truth.” After years of struggle and sacrifice, will we reach our mutual goal or will we falter and fail, just when victory is within our grasp?
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Yours For Liberty,
James N. Clymer
National Chairman
Constitution Party
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I am still extermely busy and as normal there are many things going through my mind, some I belive are revelations. Regardless, due to time I can not place them here. Lord Jesus please help me to remeber them and some how get them written done somewhere.
The traditional church and the new church shall become one, says the Lord; there is no fear.
The new church and the old church have lost their fear of the LOrd and in fact do not want it. Even though without the Fear of the Lord there is no knowledge. there is no salvation without the fear of the Most High, even The Lord of Hosts.
We miss our friends so much. We’ve been so lonely without them, and this has left a big hole in our heart.
Gosh how we miss them. Tears have been flowing all night. Oh well, that is how it goes. Just cause you are on the side of truth don’t mean you win. We so miss them. We shared everything in our lives with them and so now when something happens….we have no one to talk to about it. They were our best friend. We told them everything. We did everything together.
This house is so full of memories of them. I can’t look anywhere without seeing them here. Without hearing them laugh. As I sit in this chair with my foot propped up, all I can see is them and angel sitting here dozing off. My heart hurts constantly with them, for them and about them.
I just can’t see how they can jsut erase us away like they have.
maybe when we move we will be able to do the same thing. With nothing to remind us of them….maybe it will be better and we will be able to do the same. I doubt it. We love them too much to do that. The kids miss their friends. I heard Ema ask for her wick the other day.
Oh well, ya move on. It sucks But ya move on.
Its such a lonley existance…..
Tomorrow we go and get these bandages off! YEAH!! Our foot is wrapped like Ft Knox! hehe We’d like to see it anyways…kind of intriguing. Wonder if we get the stitches out too? Wonder how many there are? hehe The guys wonder all that stuff…they are all into the in’s and out’s of it all. The rest of us just wanna be able to walk and get on with things! LOL
Yesterday I woke up from a nap and it was Shane and I with Hana and Esther! I felt like Noah’s Ark! hehe Hana loves to try to get under the covers!! She is so funny. We just love her. Just wish her first 4 months of life were not so hard for her. We give her lots of lovin’s and she sure is well loved!!! We call her Hana Montana or Hana banana. She is so funny. I am glad we got her. She will end up being about 20lbs Shane says by the time she is full grown. She is such a weiner!! hehe Get it?? Weiner dog….our very own hot dog dog. She isn’t a mini but she will do!! She is so sweet. But very skiddish. How could someone hurt someone so little? We understand, but we’ll never understand ya know? She tries to stand up to Josh our 130lb dog…it is so funny!!!! she sleeps at LEAST 18-22 hours a day!!! She is only awake for very little but when she is she is a hoot! We love her.
We are lowering the price again on the house so hopefully we will sell soon. Would be so nice to be able to actually do things. Like plant a garden and flowers….wish vine and them were here to help with that. There little garden did really well. I think they would like that. Can’t wait to plant flowers and have pretties all around..if not for this year… for next year. Get the chickens all set up and going, same for the goats. Just would be nice to get things going. Just wish they were here. Miss them so.
Laters
Welp, it has been 4 days since we had our surgery and I tell ya it still hurts! LOL But it is getting better! The kids wanna come out but wont because of the pain. It comes and goes…..it is not so bad right now. Glad we switched meds tho…that itching was getting unbearable! Guess no good stuff for us! LOL scratch vicodin (sp?) off the list too. hehe gotta love it. I cant wait to be able to take a real shower…sponge bathing is for the birds! LOL Who invented that anyways? Oh well, at least you get semi-clean right? What I wouldn’t give to take a real shower right about now. Hopefully Tuesday when we go to the docs he will give us the ok to shower then. Can’t wait to see what it looks like too.
Been trying to walk on it some. Man that is hard. Hurts alot but it has got to be done. I dont see why they dont send ya home with some aparatis (sp?) to help ya walk like a crutch or something. I snagged what I call the beating stick…hehe I use that to help me. That is supposed to be my “josh beating stick” since he is so stubborn you’d need a 2×4 to knock him up side the head sometimes just to get him to acknowledge that you are even in the same room as him! LOL It is only a 1×1 tho so no biggie! LOL He would just look at you anyways like…. what? Silly dog.
Shane cooked breakfast today and it was good but my stomach has been upset all morning. Still trying to calm it down. Thought I was gonna puke earlier but thank God I didn’t. I miss my friends alot today. Makes for kind of a ho-hum day. I always wonder what they are doing and if they are ok and hope they are ok. They always told me I worried too much. Maybe I do. Maybe that is part of my problem. Who knows. I guess only the Lord does. So, I’ll leave it to Him. Take care of them Lord, we miss them so. See, now a tear is running down my face…why? oh bother.
Anyways, today is a ho-hum day. I feel sick to my tummy and I miss my friends sumthin awful. I know Shane does too so I dont say anything.
Wish I could get out of this chair and do something……..
What 3 things are required of a true disiciple of Jesus?
Lu 9:23 And he said to them all, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me.
True discipleship of Jesus requires these three things:
1) Denying our personal wills and wants
2) Taking up our specific cross each day
3) Follow Jesus not lead him…
What does denying yourself mean to you?
Well, surgery is over and went well. I went in at 7:30 and left there around 12-12:30? At least that is what time I think it was. LOL When we go there we sat in the waiting room for a bit and then they called me back and got me dressed in my kewl get up and then the nurse tried to get the IV in my hand and couldn’t so finally just stuck it in my arm. LOL So I got a kewl bruise on my hand where she couldn’t get it in to go with the kewl bruise on my left leg! LOL Then they called Shane in to sit with us til we went back. Wasn’t long. I guess right before we left they put something in our IV cause I remember the guy telling me that I may or may not remember moving to the next bed. That is all I remember…them saying ok we are moving to the next bed now….bam….that is it.
the procedure the doc said is they had to cut the plantar tendon/muscle in order for it to heal. They left the heal spur and said that that was caused from the plantar muscle pulling off the heal as it does with plantar fasciitis and it shouldn’t give me any problems. If they were to take that off my recovery would have been a lot longer because the cut would have been different and they would had to use a saw to smooth off the bone. I said ah no thanks. LOL The way he explained it he was gonna do a small cut on the side of my heal and insert a microscope and go to the place where they needed to cut the tendon/muscle and cut it from there and pull out the scope, sew it up and all done. I haven’t seen it yet cause I am bandaged like fort knox! LOL looks like my foot weighs 50lbs in just bandage! hehe My toes are all yellow I guess from the iodine? Is that what they use to swab on ya? What ever it is looks likes my toes have been dipped in food coloring!
The pain is great I tell ya. They sent me home with Vicondin but it makes me itch (too close to the Lortab family for me) and so I have a script for darcet, davicet?? How ever you say it or spell it. Not sure if that is it but what ever it is we will get that filled and try that.
I have to stay off my feet for a week. That is really hard. There are so may things around here to do everyday and Shane works hard. He said this is his time to baby us…..we have never been babied….dont know what to do with all that. We are the caretakers. Lord help us to be humble and accept this gift of being taken cared of and not doing any thing. Help us to not feel guilty and stay off of our feet and do what it is that is asked of us.
Take care of Shane Lord, He was up for 32 hours by the time yesterday was over. Help him to get the rest that he needs too. Hus body is hurting so bad right now Lord, heal him and comfort him as we know that only you can.
Thank you Lord for loving us inspite of ourselves.
We love you Lord.
Oh and please keep my friends in your loving care and free from all harm and protect them and surround them with all of you. They are never forgotten and always loved. Please love them for us Lord. We miss them and wish they knew it.Thank you for all you do that we can not Lord. It is greatly appreciated.
Again, we love you Lord. Amen
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