Where do I even begin?
The past 3 years, almost 4 have been a living hell, a nightmare that just keeps going and going.
We have remained silent for those years no matter what was said and continued on as if nothing was said and or done. Trying the whole time to peice our lives back together and heal and move on from the brokeness as each day passed…. each new hit to the heart or soul…depending on the punch they threw that day and where it landed..all the while relying on the Lord to save us from this mess that was going on around us. for the most part I think we did darn good. Did we have our days where everything fell apart and Shane took the brunt of it…yeah. was it vise versa..yeah. For the most part I tried my hardest to get up out of bed every day as if it were a new day….as if none of this was happening in our lives and I would say ok Lord, you got this, but some how by noon my heart would be so full of hurt and anquish that I would fail to give it all to Him yet again…..
The days dragged on for years without us saying anything of accusations of being this and that….of doing this and doing that and then here comes the ones from them…..and it wouldnt be so bad if it didn’t start going into the churches. Three churches are involved now. For crying out loud, I cant even kill a fly anf I am supposed to have hurt them?? You dont know how much that broke me..literally broke me. For years we have stayed quiet and let everyone involved spew their hatred of us and never said a word to anyone but the Lord….daily crying to Him to help us get through one more day…begging Him to please not let us wake up in the morning…then it got to the point of hating God because He was allowing us to wake up another day. Our heart hurt so much we could barely stand. But we got through it…and we were stronger for it and we learned to rely on the Lord with allwe had. I was thankful for it. I was thankful after the fact that we went through what we did because it brought us closer to the Lord. That was His plan all along. His ways are not our ways.
But this….this time…it is time to stop hiding behind the Lord….or so I thought. They had 3 almost 4 years of spilling their hatred out there and we kept silent, trying to be the “good little Christian girl” and plaster on that smile that told everyone that nothing was wrong with us. well, I cant do that anymore or better yet, my flesh doesn’t want to. I want to fight back. the Lord let people lie until He himself told everyone the truth. we want the truth out there. We are so tired of the lies that are going around. I mean when you can lie to a Christian establishment to better yourself…there is just something wrong with that and that is just not right! I know that people will get what is coming to them but I need the truth to be out there. Just as we want the truth of the Lord out there, we want the truth of what really happened out there. We have the proof to back up what we say so why not? Why can’t we? I don’t understand!!!! We are the ones getting walked on and we have been walked on for 42 years…..when will it ever stop? Doesn’t truth prevail? Or is it just Jesus’ truth? and not fleshly truth? I dont want revenge….I want the truth to be told.
I am to the point now where all I do is cry. All I think about is the Lord taking me home now. I dont want to live another day in torment like I have for the past couple of years. It never ends. The ex Jodie has moved back into town and has made several trips out to our house already. Last night she was parked in the first part of the drive. Why can’t she just leave well enough alone? The houes aint gonna sell any quicker with her hounding us or the realtor.
Lord, please let us sell this place quickly so that we can move and she can leave us alone forever! Even though I doubt that will happen…there will always be something she will want. Like I said…it never ends. I sure do wish the Lord would take me home soon. Maybe if I made it public knowledge….He would….So here goes…Lord please find it in your heart to take me home tonight. There is nothing left in the heart that you have restord unto me. And judging from Devine’s letter, Shane doesn’t need me in his life. He could do better. I don’t want to live anymore so please take me while I still am able to go to heaven with you before I take myself and damn me to hell.
Sarra
February 6th, 2010 at 7:41 am
I too am intimate with the enormos pain of this ministry, in every respect- from both sides and know that prayer well. However, it is not to be; as the Lord Holy Spirit told me, HE now tells you, “Quit praying that, I am not going to let you die.”
I am glad you have already renounced the prayer and the request and am glad that you posted it all here. This is a blog, an honest real Christian blog. Web log, i.e. a log of a persons life. In this case a true extremely faithful Christian who loves Jesus and is saved beyond saved (if that is possible) and a true and very real Multiple fighting for a life in and by Christ Jesus against the demons and evil spirits of hell that almost none know even exist. Sadly it is the evil ones in the dark occult magick and not the Christians who know of the true war.
I love you, Shane.